Originally published May 2019

I have a strong distaste for reality television in all its forms. There's very little reality to the shows; they come across as more dishonest than fiction. It always seems like a monumental waste of time when I've bothered to watch any of them. They're so filled with mind-numbing content that has been edited down to moments that are less than 5-seconds long, which are then edited together to fill 30 or 60 minutes, I start to feel as though I've gotten dumber after watching them. That being said, there are days when I want my brain to shut off so I don't have to think about everything so much. On those days, I watch the most mind-numbing type of Reality TV you can handle as a suburban white male: HGTV.

And wouldn't you know it? There are some repetitive patterns to the shows and their structure, including some similarities in the behavior of their hosts and guests. Who would have thought?! This is particularly true for the home renovation shows that involve shopping around for a house, then tearing one apart and trying to fix it up. The similarities are so apparent, you might even say there's a formula that HGTV uses. It wouldn't be too surprising if there actually was, considering how many of these shows there are.

So, with such an obvious set of rules that HGTV follows in creating their cookie-cutter reality shows, it only makes sense to create my own set of drinking game rules to help wash down the amount of time I've wasted watching it all. Here is my list of drinking game rules for your HGTV binge sessions, with a few rules specific to the renovation shows. Naturally, there are a number of shows, like Property Brothers or House Hunters, that have their own repeating quirks that justify rules of their own, but those are separate lists from the general HGTV Reality Show Drinking Game.

Of course, you can play along with these using non-alcoholic beverages and it is, in fact, recommended as DagonDogs.com wants you to drink responsibly.

Don't Leave Me Hanging

Hosts and guests of HGTV reality shows love cooperative efforts and teamwork. A great deal of the time, it includes people who wouldn't normally be involved in some of the buying/selling/renovating process. Nonetheless, when success occurs, the overwhelming desire to share a moment of congratulatory celebration with another can become too much to resist. Thus, it becomes necessary to hold your hand up above your shoulder and wait for your teammate to register that you are seeking a high-five and return the gesture in kind.

This. Happens. A. Lot.

High-fives can be found on probably any one of the shows in the HGTV library. Some of them can be a bit more awkward than others. So, use your own discretion with this rule.

Take a sip of your drink whenever a person on the show performs a high-five. Extra: add seconds to your sipping based on the level of awkwardness to the high-five or the number of milliseconds allowed to pass before they complete the gesture.

Action!

Over the past few years, GoPros and similar cameras have exploded in popularity as durable action cameras you can take anywhere and put through anything. Renovation shows like making use of these sturdy little devices rather than risking their other expensive equipment, especially in their big action shots. This usually consists of attaching it to a wall or awning that is being demolished so the viewer can experience it all as the thing gets torn down in a big action shot.

Take a sip of your drink whenever the camera takes a tumble along with the structure that is being demolished.

Shock, Awe, and Horror

This is another rule that is more likely to crop up in the renovation-style show due to the fact that the most extreme of emotions are shown when people see the guts of their homes torn out and then reassembled into something unfamiliar. If you're paying close enough attention, you'll be able to denote in each show when you're supposed to feel these emotions based on the faces of the people and how the music suddenly changes.

Shock occurs when something surprising is discovered during the process. Perhaps something negative that an inspection missed, or something positive like a time capsule found in a wall. It's basically whenever someone is surprised by something in a way that requires the TV show to change its background music. This is most often a moment that is teased right before a commercial break to make you want to stay tuned to find out the rest of the mystery.

Awe is the feeling that everyone gets when the music kicks into something poppy and upbeat to indicate that everything is going to be alright and everyone is happy now. This is usually at the end of the show when the homeowners are viewing their finished home and start weeping.

Horror is when the big money-pit bells start to ring (aka the tense percussion of the hi-hat and bass drums) and the renovation hits a proverbial brick wall. This usually occurs with the discovery of asbestos, mold, termites, or faulty wiring. Horror can be when something is so wrong with the house that it is unsafe to be there anymore and professionals have to come in and remove it at a very big cost.

Take a sip of your drink whenever an event of Shock, Awe, or Horror takes place and the music changes to indicate what feeling you should be having.

Cry Me A River

Piggy-backing on the last rule, during those big moments of Awe or Horror, some people can get a little emotional and it can all be too much to handle. Usually, it's a waterfall of tears over how nice the home looks at the end of the show or when one of the buyers starts to realize that "this is home" and the emotional tidal wave sweeps through them. Occasionally, the "masculine" partner will also tear up a bit, and even the hosts, if the mood is right.

Take a sip of your drink if someone starts to get teary-eyed. Take an extra sip if both of the couple start crying. Finish your drink if the hosts start choking up as well.

E-Masculation

Another rule for the renovations. It's fun watching people who don't know how to swing a sledgehammer attack a wall with one. It seems to be even more fun, for the people who do know how, to critique and mock the methods of the ignorant individual, especially if they're male. Tipping the scales the other way, there will often be a bit overcompensation with praise if the unprepared participant is female and swinging the hammer. She'll get a single hit in that won't do much and be praised for it while her male partner is mocked for his wimpy swing. If it's a same-sex couple, then it's either double the praise or double the shame!

Take a sip of your drink whenever someone criticizes a person's method of doing something in a way that is meant to make them look good or bad in front of their partner.

Swimming Upstream

I never had much of an issue with the color Salmon. That is, until I watched HGTV. It's a benign summer color that looks like something that should taste like a creamy gelato. It's a fine color for someone to wear on somewhat rare occasions or in warm weather in a tropical location. It's also a color that looks better on people with darker skin tones, as its brightness tends to bounce off skin that contrasts it.

However, it does not look great on pasty white people because it only makes them look pastier. Being one of the pastiest around, I should know. Nonetheless, the people who appear on HGTV must fill out a questionnaire before coming onto a show that confirms they have a pair of salmon shorts or a salmon shirt in their closet because the color seemingly makes its appearance on almost every episode of every HGTV show. Regardless of region or weather, some twat is wearing a pair of abominable salmon shorts to show off how creamy and white their calves are. I don't understand how this color, of which I own not a single shirt or pair of pants, is somehow in the wardrobe of every guy who goes on an HGTV reality show!

Take a sip of your drink if a guy who should not be wearing something salmon-colored is wearing something salmon-colored. Take an extra sip if they're shorts.

It's Too Real!

I can't quite escape reality when I watch reality shows because I can't help but see the seams in the fabric and the strings on the puppets. There are certain things that stand out and make me cringe about how fake they are. For example, the rapid editing that changes around the context of a conversation. Or, the shots of people "talking" on their cell phones as though they aren't acting out a scene:

"What are you doing right now?" Cut to another person on the phone.

"I'm about to take my dog for a walk"

No, you're not. You're in front of a crew of people with cameras, lights, and boom microphones to make sure you look and sound good for your TV show. When the shows try to create these moments of humanity and reality when it's so obviously fake, it drives me nuts. Maybe it will drive you nuts too, now that I've brought your attention to it. Maybe you'll want a drink after noticing.

Take a sip of your drink whenever the editing or circumstances of the show seem too fake or orchestrated to be real.

What Planet Are You From?

Some of the people who come on these shows have some wild and weird preferences for what they want in a house. Some of them make unreasonable requests at the most inopportune times. Some simply don't comprehend that renovation tasks vary in their size, scope, difficulty, and expense. All of these confused individuals have a bit of trouble when it comes to communicating with other people in a way that would indicate they were raised by humans with no manners. It's both hilarious and infuriating watching these reptiles in human skin suits interact with other people, and it can certainly lead to some memorable moments.

For example, there have been some people who don't like how electrical outlets look and prefer they not be in their home as much as possible. There have been countless instances of people who reject a home based on the paint job, despite the best efforts of the hosts or real-estate agents to convince them that painting is one of the easiest fixes you could do. There have also been plenty of instances in which these fickle fiends change their minds on a renovation at the last second and nearly throw a temper tantrum if they don't get their way.

Take a sip of your drink whenever someone makes a weird request for their home, changes something they want for their home at an inopportune time, or shows that they clearly don't know what reality they're living in. Take an extra sip if they start to throw a tantrum when they don't get their way.

Paint It White

The styles of the designers on these shows can wear on you after a while. Same with the tastes of the home-buyers who all seem to want the same things: White kitchen; open-concept; neutral tones; granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. No adventure. No color. No vibrancy. They also often want something that simply didn't exist, like Victorian-style homes with lots of closet space, or Craftsman-style homes that are open-concept with high ceilings. It's always a desire for character, while still making their home look like a photograph out of Better Homes & Gardens magazine. The truth is, homebuyers usually just get a home with character and then strip it all out completely for the sake of having that same stale, bland look that makes it appealing to future buyers.

Take a sip whenever a buyer wants character but then goes with a standard-looking design. If you really want this rule to hurt, take a sip whenever someone utters any of the following: open-concept; neutral tones; granite countertops; stainless steel appliances; subway tile backsplash; and white cabinets.

Stay on Target!

The budget is something that is on every HGTV show. From the way the buyers, the contractors, and the real estate agents all talk about it, you would assume it's the most important thing in the world. From how often they go over it, you would say otherwise.

As an addendum to this rule, it can be a bit of fun placing bets on how much over budget the buyers end up going with their various purchases.

Take a sip of your drink whenever something "takes a hit" to the budget. Take another sip if their decisions make them go over budget.

Family Comes First, Last, and Forever

Lastly, we have the rule which may simply be too much to add on top of the others. While most of these other rules can come in ebbs and flows for any one HGTV show, this is the one rule to rule them all and works for almost any HGTV show. The word "family" is said so, so, so much by everyone on these shows, some might say it's the most important thing. Family is so important, you may need to be reminded that the hosts or the guests have a family and that, like they say in the Fast and Furious films: Family comes first.

Take a sip of your drink whenever anyone utters the word "family." Be warned: Depending on the episode, this may be the only rule you actually need from this list.

Do you have some good drinking rules for these type of shows? Share them in the comments!

Found this entertaining and want more reasons to wet your whistle? See the other drinking games I've authored for the Hair of the Dog feature:

• Dragon Ball Z

• Game of Thrones

• Suicide Squad

• Michael Bay Movies

• Forensic Files

• Star Wars

• Christmas Movies

• 50 Shades of Grey/Bad Books

• Friday the 13th

• Heavy Rain Drinking Game

• Universal Drinking Game Rules

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