Originally published April 2019

As Hollywood continues its tradition of digging through the remnants and debris of TV shows and movie franchises that have not yet been resurrected and thrown on stage to dance like a reanimated corpse for some cheap box office tickets and for the chance to cash in on that "nostalgia-money" to help Marvel pay for their next Oscar-winning film that no one has ever heard of, somewhere in their dumpster-diving they rediscovered Baywatch. For those who don't recall, Baywatch was a cheesy TV show in the 80s & 90s that became something of a cult success for reasons that do not involve quality writing or acting. It was mostly a show to remind people that David Hasselhoff was still worth your attention and to show off the curves and shapes of the show's "actors" in skimpy bathing suits. It was a bad show known mostly for people running in slow motion on the beach with their boobs bouncing to the beat of the theme song. So, in 2017, we got a full-length movie to revitalize that ravenous Baywatch fanbase.

In case the sarcasm isn't obvious enough, I don't know who this movie is for or even how it got made. Baywatch is a confusingly bad movie that manages to surprise and astound in the most insulting and stupid ways. It was a fascinating experience watching this movie and trying to make sense of it at all. When the credits had finished rolling, I realized that I had laughed a lot at it, but not during the parts where the filmmakers wanted me to. This is quite unfortunate for them because, despite the fact that the original TV series was a cheesy drama, they decided to make this movie a comedy.

Pros

• A unique experience

• It ends

• It's not overly long

• Let's you know pretty quickly what type of movie you're in for

• Doesn't make Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson any less likable or negatively impact his career

• Includes Pamela Anderson in the opening credits but doesn't give her any lines; what's the point?

Cons

• Most of the jokes are juvenile, stupid, or just poorly written

• Many of the jokes and bits that even had the slightest potential to be funny go on for way too long and often suck the comedy out of the scene

• Is there a plot?

• A bit too self-aware for its own good

• Tone deaf

Plot & Thoughts

I'll be honest, I don't know what the plot of this movie is. (Something about drug trafficking?) This may be because I didn't care enough while I was watching to remember, or it could be because the movie doesn't really have a plot. I'm not sure which, and my level of apathy towards that question has not changed. The plot points that I do remember are that Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) is the best lifeguard around, beloved by all, and Matt Brody (Zac Efron) is an arrogant Olympic swimmer who has no money and either really wants to become a lifeguard or has no other job prospects and needs the position. Again, I don't really recall or care which it is, and neither should you.

To give this film credit where credit is due, they at least managed to simulate the meta experience of watching an episode of Baywatch to a certain degree. You weren't watching it for the plot or even the characters. In fact, why were you watching it? Boobs and ass are the obvious answers, but even those features couldn't keep the show alive for as long as it was on. You watched it because it was mindless TV trash peppered with action, comedy, and cheesy drama. This movie has plenty of action, drama, and cheese to go around and make sure you're not bored. The problem it has with all of it is that none of it is good. What makes it all so weird is how self-aware the movie tries to be as well.

There are a lot of moments where Baywatch seems to be aware of how bad of a film it is with references to the real careers of Efron and Johnson but then doubles down on the dumb with physical comedy scenes about fat guys with erections that go on for longer than 5 minutes. Yes. You read that right. In case you don't recall the type of comedy that the original TV show was known for, the show wasn't known for comedy and it certainly wasn't known for low-brow dick jokes. A few jokes like this occur pretty early on in the film and the level of humor does not improve as it goes on, but at least you should know rather quickly whether or not you want to watch the rest of this train wreck.

That's what watching Baywatch is like. It's like a deliberate calamity. It draws your eye in with its awfulness but any sympathy or charm it might have had is tossed aside because it's clear that the filmmakers have no respect for themselves in making this disasterpiece. While The Meg was a bad movie that was deliberate, it had some charm to it and wasn't offensively bad. It was entertaining enough, but it knew what it was and didn't do too much to deviate from that. Baywatch doesn't know what it is and seems more likely to be the product of various story writers with little comedy experience and a lot of cocaine experience. This made it curiously entertaining to me, but I have no interest in seeing it again without a few drinking rules in place.

TL;DR (Conclusion)

As I tried to make abundantly clear in the rest of my review, Baywatch is a terrible film. I am truly perplexed as to whom this film was for or why anyone involved stuck around long enough for it to get made. I'm a fan of watching bad movies, so Baywatch was entertaining for me as something of a curiosity worth experiencing for the sake of watching a floundering failure of a film. If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, stay away.

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