Originally published February 2018

Well over a month since The Last Jedi was released, I finally made it out to theaters (for the first time in two years) to see it. I had heard some mixed reactions from a variety of sources, but having seen no trailers beforehand and having only heard very vague discussions about the movie, I managed to go in with pretty empty expectations. One thing that I kept hearing was that it wasn't your traditional Star Wars film and that, if I wasn't much of a Star Wars fan, I would probably like it. Considering the new track record, I was slightly optimistic. I thought Episode VII was fine, if unoriginal and somewhat rote, and I liked Rogue One. So, maybe there was a possibility that The Last Jedi might take the series in a new and interesting direction.

I was sorely mistaken in my optimism. This movie is bad. Very bad. I will refrain from spoiling the events of the film in this written review, which requires me to be vague in some of my examples. If you want to hear a spoiler-filled review verbal review from myself and Meghan, wait for the special podcast I'll add to this page.

The Short of It

Pros

• Adam Driver does a decent job of making me interested in a character that I would normally just ignore or hate in most movies

• Some of the action scenes are good

• The premise of the rebel fleet on the run had the potential to be good

Cons

• Finn still sucks

• Plot points, characters, and plot devices go nowhere

• Multiple deus ex machinas

• Excessive number of climaxes, making the movie feel really long as a result

• A whole lot of nothing significant happening for most of the film

• Some characters die and we're supposed to feel something?

• Some characters should die, but don't

• Some characters are defiled and destroyed to the point of being unrecognizable

• A few "jumped the shark" moments

• "That's not how the Force works!"

• That's not how space works either!

• What's with the crappy props that look too familiar to our own Earthling objects?

• A few moments that make you wonder: "Why they didn't just do that instead?"

• Some really cheesy and sappy sentimentality is injected into the film to make you feel feelings

• Humor does not land

• Shameless pandering to certain audience types and shameless merchandise marketing

• Poor editing

• Pointless scenes and dialogue exchanges

The Rest of It

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my opening paragraphs, but this list of cons should tell you: I think this movie sucks! It's bad. Surprisingly bad. In fact, I'm questioning something that I thought to be true for over a decade: Episodes II and III would be the worst the series could ever get. Now, I'm not saying that The Last Jedi is worse than Episode II's "I hate sand" romance or Episode III's "Anakin, you're breaking my heart" climaxes, BUT at least those movies were coherent messes.

There were multiple moments while watching The Last Jedi where my mouth was agape and my hands were raised in a perplexed posture due to the amount of confusion I was experiencing all at once. This confusion was not for the overall story they were trying to tell, which was relatively simple: while Rey was busy "learning" to be a Jedi, the rebel fleet was in this purgatorial escape route from the New Order. It was in all the little details and the methods in which they chose to tell this story that I found many issues. The subtitle for this film should not have been The Last Jedi, because, by the end, some dialogue is exchanged to debunk that statement. The full movie title should have been something like: Episode VIII: The Arbitrary Contrivances, Episode VIII: Deus Ex Machina, Episode VIII: We're Making this Up as We Go, or Episode VIII: Revenge of the Fan Fic.

From the opening scene, I realized that something was amiss with some forced comedy (ha-ha), obvious defiance of physics, and overly melodramatic action. During the process of evacuating a rebel base, Poe Dameron, the super pilot from Episode VII that we saw very little of, manages to evade and destroy numerous cannons and guns on a massive imperial vessel so that rebel bombers could make a significant dent in the New Order's fleet. This involves a few moments that defy logic and physics in general with how the filmmakers seemed to incorrectly assume how the vacuum of space works. After some pointless melodrama and the deaths of characters I guess we're supposed to care about, the rebels earn a short-lived victory with some heavy losses.

From then on, the fleet is on the run from the New Order, which has somehow managed to track them through hyperspace. Even though this was something that was established as an impossibility in previous films, and even though there are characters in this film that say, "That's impossible," other characters are there to say, "It's possible now," without necessarily explaining why. Get used to this sort of thing happening, where new concepts and ideas are just thrown into the Star Wars universe as though that's all you have to do to make something work for the sake of moving the story along. By the time they explain this whole contrived circumstance, the movie has already had one of its "Jump the shark" moments, and established that it doesn't care how impossible something is, or how that impossibility may have been established in previous films; it's doing its own thing.

I would be more forgiving of The Last Jedi's blatant disregard for physics, the laws of its universe, and the arbitrary nature of these circumstances if the story it was telling was at all interesting. It's not. By the end of the film, while certain events of significance happen, nothing meaningful with the characters occurs. The most significant character change is that Poe learns not to be such a hothead, but that lesson isn't really earned. Finn, the former stormtrooper, who was a selfish coward who found his courage to help his friends and the Rebellion in Episode VII, goes through the same character arc as last time, by starting out as a selfish coward who later understands how to be selfless. A new annoyingly sentimental character, Rose, panders to all those people out there who hate the rich and have self-esteem issues and accompanies Finn on his figuratively and literally pointless mission. Rey, meanwhile, is with Luke Skywalker.... doing nothing.

Really. Despite the fact that Episode VII ended with the expectation that Rey was going to learn how to use the Force from Luke, much like how he did from Yoda, the filmmakers decided that it would then be better just to have her spend most of her time convincing him to do something meaningful. Luke plays the reluctant mentor, as one would expect, but it goes so many steps further than necessary. We have to experience a flashback to the same moment that he lost Kylo Ren to the dark side 3 separate times. In the process of doing so, nothing is really gained, and Rey's character does not grow in a meaningful way. Not to mention, despite spending the majority of the movie with Luke, he teaches her very little. Apparently, she already knows everything she needs to know, just because she's Rey. Considering how Leia's "Jump the shark" moment indicates that she is probably the most powerful not-Jedi Jedi in the history of Star Wars, and how Rey never needed Luke's training to begin with, it must be the innate advantages of being a female force-user. Girl power, I guess.

Then there are characters who serve no real purpose other than to make the moments more arbitrary and pointless than they already are. One character is introduced as a deus ex machina to a situation and, in the end, does nothing of value beyond that moment; the movie could completely exist without that character. Another character is even more annoying to me because of all the contrivances surrounding them. If this particular character were to just open their mouth and disclose the information they know, a whole (pointless) section of the movie could have been removed. What's more, this same character does something in a climatic moment—only after having resigned themselves to do nothing—that further illustrates that the rebels do not deserve to win, because they apparently have had the ultimate weapon the whole time and never bothered using it until it was convenient for the movie to make an emotional climax: hyperspace travel.

There are dozens of other things in this movie that perplex or irritate me to no end. The weird, pointless moments where Luke is hopping around his island— the scene with him drinking alien milk and giving a "cheers, bitch" look was at least funny in its bizarre quality. The various props that look way too much like our own belongings, such as a water bottle sitting on a table or the champagne bottles in a casino. The not-so-subtle pandering to children's egos that says you could be a better Jedi than a Jedi without having to train or work hard for it. Rose's unrealistic philosophy and the sentimentality that surrounds her. The dumb escape sequence involving dog-horse things. The numerous climaxes and final battles that drag the movie on and on. That moment where a dude decides it's necessary to inform the audience that the ground has salt on it. The list goes on.

The only part of this movie that I found myself enjoying was… Kylo Ren, surprisingly. Maybe it's Adam Driver's ability to act, maybe it's just convenience because I don't have any other interesting villains—or heroes for that matter—to focus on. Kylo Ren's story is the only one that is going in interesting directions, and it's the one that clearly has the most impact on the universe. He is the "chosen one" of this story because he is the one who probably has the most influence on where it all goes from here. Despite the fact that I found him to be a petulant and pathetic attempt at recreating Darth Vader in Episode VII, the fact that he was more of his own character in this one, albeit, with a lot of the same annoying personality traits, made him a bit more interesting and complex. He's still an immature punk who is rightfully mocked for it, but he is also probably the only character I'm the least bit interested in.

TL;DR (Conclusion)

I was once a kid who was very into Star Wars, but I've grown out of it over time and, up until Rogue One, thought rather little of the franchise as a whole. If The Force Awakens made me neutral about Star Wars, and Rogue One pushed me over into the realm of thinking positively about the franchise, The Last Jedi has taken all of that goodwill earned and put me back in the negative. The Last Jedi sucks. It's a bad Star Wars movie and just a bad movie in general that feels cobbled together, at best. Its best moments are those with a character I don't even really like. Its worst moments, of which there are many, make me question if it's a worse film than Attack of the Clones, which really says a lot.

If you want to know my thoughts on each Star Wars movie, I've reviewed them here on DagonDogs.com:

• Episode I

• Episode II

• Episode III

• Episode IV

• Episode V

• Episode VI

• Episode VII

• Rogue One

I've also written a Star Wars drinking game, of which several rules may be added for this particular film, including:

• Take a sip whenever logic, the laws of physics, or the rules of the Force are ignored

• Take a sip whenever the movie should have ended

• Take a sip whenever a convenient solution presents itself out of nowhere (deus ex machina)

• Take a sip when a problem or conflict arises that could have easily been avoided or resolved had the characters behaved like intelligent people

• Take a sip when Kylo Ren or General Hux looks like he's about to cry

• Take a sip when something completely weird, random, or unnecessary happens

• Take a sip whenever you see obvious pandering or potential merchandise opportunities on-screen

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