Originally published January 2018

Last year I finally caved and started watching some Netflix original programming other than stand-up comedy specials. I didn't pop my Netflix cherry with Stranger Things, Narcos, or The Crown, however. I did it with their stupid obstacle course show, Ultimate Beastmaster. I don't typically watch TV shows or series—for reasons I won't expound here—but I am a sucker for a good old-fashioned obstacle course. I love watching marathons of original Ninja Warrior, MXC, and American Gladiators, as ridiculous and time-consuming as they might be. So, when I saw that Netflix had invested in their own version, I decided to give it a try.

Obviously, as the title suggests, I didn't hate it enough to stop watching it after season 1, so it can't be too bad, right? Dampen your doubts a little bit. It's not that bad. In fact, it can be pretty genuinely entertaining and exciting, but it has some significant flaws that can ruin the experience.

The Short of It

Pros

• Particular commentator groups interact in some hilarious ways (Korea in S1 and Italy in S2)

• Points system of progression is unique and creates an interesting meta-strategy for competitors

• The course can be as physically taxing as a Japanese Ninja Warrior course, making it exciting to watch someone succeed

• Course obstacles are designed to challenge people of different body types and sizes

Cons

• USA commentators leave a lot to be desired

• Not enough variety in the challenges or in things for commentators to talk about for an entire season

• The focus on the competitor's backstory is that typical attempt at telling stories of hardship and triumph that make me barf over the sentimentality of it all

• While course obstacles are designed to challenge people of different body types and sizes, that mostly applies to people over the height of 5'9"; it's far more difficult for someone shorter to succeed

The Rest of It

A lot of what determines if I will enjoy an obstacle course show is the overall charm of the show. Ninja Warrior had the inherent charm of a Japanese game show, mixed with the creative obstacles that would be fun for anyone to attempt, and a challenge that was so difficult that barely anyone ever actually completed the whole thing—all of these things are what I feel the American version of the show lacks. MXC took a lot of the Japanese gameshow charm and hyped it up with dumb, hilarious English commentary and jokes about the whole thing. American Gladiators is over the top and stupid in the same way something like a horror, comedy B-movie like Wolfcop or FDR: American Badass is. Ultimate Beastmaster has a lot of charm in certain places but is severely lacking in others. I'll save the most glaring examples of this for last. For now, let's start with the course itself.

The Course & Rules

Under the facade that the obstacle course is a giant robotic Gila monster with each obstacle being a part of its innards, Ultimate Beastmaster is separated by different stages, similar to Ninja Warrior. There are four different sections with their own sets of challenges to overcome. In a single episode, a group of 10 contestants is whittled down to 2 by the end of an hour. At the end of each section, points are tallied up for each participant and the ones with the lowest scores are eliminated. While there is a time limit on each section, and time is a factor, points are the real goal when running through the course.

Each contestant accumulates points by simply moving on from obstacle to obstacle. By season 2, the point distribution became a lot more fragmented to allow for more wiggle room when it came to eliminating individuals. The first season required you to move on through an entire set of obstacles to get the points, but they've since changed it to incremental increases to allow for a better point distribution among participants. While a person is running through the course, bonus points can be earned by taking a slightly riskier route through the course and hitting a "point thruster." "Point thruster" is a dumb name, which you'll hear a lot from the commentators, but it is often the best method of securing a chance of moving on to the next section.

When it comes to the obstacles, some of them are interesting, but there are plenty that seem ripped off from other obstacle course shows, and plenty that are just not well designed. One of the more difficult and interesting ones is a pair of treadmills that are swinging back and forth that a competitor must jump to while standing on a platform that is slowly sinking. One of the more boring ones is a balance beam with a handhold above it. The best ones are not quite as interesting, daunting, or creative as something on Ninja Warrior, but they're not so bland that you're not interested at all.

The Commentary

As I mentioned, charm makes or breaks this type of show, and Ultimate Beastmaster definitely goes both ways. Since the obstacle course itself doesn't change much over the course of a season, including the finale where all the contestants have to do the whole thing over again, you need some personality to keep the show interesting. This is where the sports commentators would come in to add some hype to the moment or some interesting antics to make us care about what's happening on the screen. Since those people were probably too busy with their commentating on real sports, Netflix got whoever was available. This makes things both amazing and horrendously awkward.

In season 1, the (American) English commentary was provided by Terry Cruz and Charissa Thompson. To their credit, Cruz brought a lot of his usual flair and attitude to his commentary. Thompson was mostly forgettable to the point that I didn't initially remember her name writing this section. They were at least inoffensive and occasionally enthusiastic. The problems they had with providing interesting and insightful commentary had to do with the systemic problems of the show. There are only so many ways or times you can talk about the strategy of getting points on an obstacle course that doesn't change before it gets tedious and boring. By episode 3, their constant talk about point thrusters was already old, so they had to resort to shouting USA a bunch whenever an American was on the course, or jumping over to the other commentator booths to stir up a little trouble.

This is how U. Beastmaster keeps it interesting. The commentators for the different countries and languages have their own booths, but they're all connected to each other and allow for each of them to go from booth to booth. This level of interaction is perfect for some friendly, competitive banter and antics. Each season, so far, has had some goofy entertainers that liven everything up and some smug "villains" for everyone to root against. In season 1, the Korean commentators stole the show. Seo Kyung Suk and Park Kyeong Rim, actors from South Korea, took this show as their opportunity to dance and celebrate every Korean victory, big or small, in the most flamboyant and enthusiastic way possible. Their adorable enthusiasm was the highlight of every episode because you didn't know how crazy it was going to get in that booth of theirs, whether it would be a victory or defeat. Meanwhile, the Brazilians provided smug and colorful superiority-complex-fueled commentary for their team, making it all the more entertaining when the other teams gave them a hard time.

In the second season, things get even better. While the crazy antics of the Koreans are sorely missed, Du Qin Yi of China brings plenty of personality and enthusiasm to her booth with lots of screaming and jumping around next to her straight-edged counterpart, Bin Gu. Meanwhile, the French have asserted themselves as the Brazilians of the second season by providing the most antagonistic commentary. The true heroes of season 2, however, are the Italians. Francesco Facchinetti and Bianca Balti are easily the highlight of the show. They're constantly moving around from booth to booth teasing and partying with the other groups. While the French commentators were more than happy to be the smug jerks of the group, the Italians seemed all the more eager to act as their rivals. They even went so far in their trash-talking of the French that when the last French participant was eliminated in one episode they said "Aww that's too bad, looks like they need a pizza to cheer them up" and then promptly grabbed a pizza and went over to the French booth to share and snidely tease them.

The true "villain" of the show thus far, however, is not the Brazilian commentary team, nor the French commentary team. It is Chris Distefano, on the American commentary team in season 2. If you were uninspired by the American commentary of Season 1, you'll be wishing for them to come back for 10 more seasons if it means not having to endure Distefano for one more minute. Not since the days of Dennis Miller providing commentary for American football has it been this awkward/annoying to listen to a guy talk about a physical activity for which he has no interest or experience. Seriously, this guy is the absolute worst thing about this show.

A stand-up comedian with his own show, I can understand why Netflix would hire Distefano, thinking that he could provide some of that crucial humor and charm they need for a show that doesn't change its obstacle course much. Yet, none of that humor he supposedly has comes through. I think it's unfair to judge a comedian out of his or her element, because you may not know where that comedian is at their funniest. Not everyone who does stand-up is funny all the time or capable of providing jokes for every situation. But Distefano just can't seem to tell a joke or say anything of value on U. Beastmaster to save his life. His jokes range mostly from just making fun of a person's name to some self-deprecating details about his own life that don't really go anywhere. He occasionally attempts a simple joke that usually falls flat, but most of the time he just seems lost or completely bored by the whole experience. Even the cameras spend a lot less time on the American booth than before, probably because of how bored he always looks.

Tiki Barber does his best to bring some professional commentary to the table, channeling his experience in football, but he is unable to really reign in the crap that comes out of Distefano's mouth. It wouldn't be so bad if he was at least enthusiastic about the action on the course, but he just sounds so disinterested in everything and is only having a good time when he's awkwardly hitting on the Spanish or Italian female commentators. This dude-bro seems like, if he could hear what the other teams were saying, he would constantly make sexual innuendos out of everything until he was escorted away by security. If it wasn't for the hilarity and enthusiasm the Italians bring to the table, I would have stopped watching just because of Distefano.

Possible Improvements

If Netflix wants to keep this show going for more seasons, they're going to need to step up their game a bit to keep it interesting, even if it breaks the bank. Original Ninja Warrior managed to keep things interesting because the obstacle courses were constantly changing and because the people competing were unique and entertaining in their own way. MXC had well-written humor to wrap everything together in an absurd package. Ultimate Beastmaster is hanging on by a thread in terms of being entertaining for very long. Even though a season is less than a dozen episodes, it ends up feeling long and drawn out because of its various flaws.

The course needs to change more. From episode to episode, the course does not change much. There may be a slight variation to an obstacle, but by the last episode of the season, you've already seen it all, numerous times. Also, the big season finale is just the same course for the winners of previous episodes to run through. I know it's difficult and expensive to build another course, but it's pretty anti-climatic watching the previous victors run the same course again.

I'm a biased cynical individual, so one thing that I'd to see go away is their method of telling us the story of the contestant's life. Occasionally, you'll find someone from one of the countries who is just a determined individual without too much significant drama. The rest of the time, there's some great tragedy or they have to focus on how much joy and pride the person has in being a parent. This show does the same crap in the Olympics where a competitor isn't worth talking to unless they've had some monstrous hardship to overcome or a story that will make viewers cry. I don't cry about those stories during the Olympics, so I'm definitely not going to cry watching some parkour instructor jump around on some stupid obstacles inside a giant mechanical dinosaur. I don't care about these people's families unless they are deeply shamed by their mom or dad's performance, like what happened to Mr. Ninja Warrior, then you'll have my attention.

I'd definitely prefer the show skip the process of telling me the life stories of the competitors if it means they'd have time for more competitors to run the course. If they feel those stories are necessary to the experience, get weirder people with crazier stories. I don't need to hear the same boring story about how she's a mother of two and has so much pride in taking care of her kids before she smashes her face on the side of a platform.

TL;DR (Conclusion)

There's some entertainment to be had in this expensive knockoff of Ninja Warrior. After the first few episodes of a season, the entertainment shifts from watching people smash their bodies into the course to watching the commentators of the different countries celebrate and trash talk in interesting ways. However, that won't be enough for long, especially if the American commentators they keep picking up bring so little to the table.

What sort of obstacle course shows can you recommend? Any favorites? Let me know in the comments here or on Facebook!

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