Originally published July 2016

If you're like me, you like a good murder mystery. Murder She Wrote is a good source of fictional dramatic entertainment in that department, despite its somewhat outlandish scenarios and recycled actors. But what about the real thing? For that, I'd recommend Forensic Files.

I've tried my best to avoid watching the trashy television that so many Americans get addicted to. Alas, I have also found forensic investigation extremely interesting. After my girlfriend discovered a couple of seasons of the show on Netflix and then the rest of the series on Amazon Prime, it's become too difficult to turn away from a few hours of binge-watching the true tales of murder and successful investigations around the crime to find a perpetrator; reading Sherlock Holmes stories goes only so far, after all.

I try to watch each episode with some skepticism that the suspect being prosecuted deserves reasonable doubt, which is something people seem to rarely be afforded in modern court cases. Most of the time, I'm wrong to do so, however. I know that 90% of the time it's the husband or ex who did it, but I still root for the possibility that it's someone else just to break the mold. When they find DNA samples or fingerprints, though, that evidence is pretty irrefutable.

Of course, if you are worried about losing faith in humanity, or just in faith of the male half of our species, you probably shouldn't even be watching this show. Nonetheless, when they do get that kind of undeniable evidence, there's a bit of a cathartic rush of endorphins. I won't deny I get some satisfaction from seeing a conviction served to someone who won't even deny what they've done. And of course, I get some satisfaction from watching the show while playing along with these drinking rules:

1. Someone starts talking about God

2. "It was as though the victim were alive, telling us what happened!"

3. Science, scientist, scientific, etc

4. Luminal is used

5. The heated glue fingerprint method is used

6. "A __________ discovery" OR "A startling ___________"

7. "But, he/she made a mistake"

8. The case goes cold

9. The police "get a break"

10. The crime takes place in Florida

11. The killer is not the estranged (ex)husband OR the killer is a woman

12. "It was like looking for a needle in a haystack"; "It lit up like a Christmas Tree"; or some other stupid idiom is used

That 11th rule is a pretty rare one, even with the extra circumstance. Nonetheless, if you're binge-watching some Forensic Files on Amazon Prime and playing along with these rules, you'll soon be binge-drinking and having a good time, even if the show doesn't instill much hope for humanity. As the show continues to remind you that the human race is self-destructive and that white men might be the most dangerous predator in the animal kingdom, just remember to drink responsibly, have fun, and laugh at the way the narrator pronounces "Jurors."