Originally published July 2016

Superman Returns is a weird movie. I had actually never seen it until I went through this binge-watching of the Superman films. Had it not been in the Christopher Reeve DVD pack, I might never have watched it. Though, I don't think I would have missed much had that been the case.

Having finally seen it though, I will say that Superman Returns is better than the worst Superman movies. Of Course, that isn't really saying much. It's not aggressively bad like Superman III, at least. It's just really forgettable.

Pros

• Kevin Spacey is a good Lex Luthor and adds a good amount of villainous intimidation and comical flair to the role

• Not the worst actors in the world for the cast (except Lois); even the kid is acceptable

• More direction than Superman III

Cons

• Special effects have aged poorly

• Doesn't know if it wants to be a remake, sequel, or something else

• Annoying whimsical soundtrack

• Meandering plot that takes forever to get anywhere

• Are we supposed to like Lois Lane?

• Not enough of note to even talk about

Plots & Thoughts

Even though I just finished watching the movie, I can barely remember what exactly happened in it. Superman, after having disappeared for an undisclosed number of years seeking his planet that might not have blown up (spoilers: it still did), has returned to Earth to continue protecting it. Lex Luthor is doing...something with Superman's crystals that causes power outages for some reason and slowly (very slowly) accomplishes his big plan. Meanwhile, Superman attempts to readjust to life on Earth and reconnect with Lois Lane who has since become a slightly embittered mother who still can't spell to save her life. And that's it. It's an incredibly long slog through a remake/sequel film that has a plot that feels like a 5 part special of Lois & Clark or Smallville.

The plot is extremely bland and forgettable with very little payoff to any of it. In all honesty, it doesn't even really feel like the movie starts until about 30 minutes in when Superman makes his first big public appearance since his return. A Boeing jumbo jet that is carrying a space shuttle close to the atmosphere, which also happens to be carrying Lois Lane, runs into a snag. Due to a power failure, shit goes bad and Superman has to separate the two different vehicles to save them. The shuttle does okay, but the people on the Boeing endure a great deal of what would be slapstick comedy if there were some Benny Hill music playing as they fly all over the cabin, get hit with luggage, or have their faces smashed into the backs of seats as they slide into each other—it makes me wonder if the director thinks Boeing doesn't assemble their planes very well. Despite how all the people should have died from the slapstick slaughter that was happening, Superman saves the day and the world is happy about it.

Lois who is still pretty miffed about him "not saying 'Goodbye'" when he left in the first place is not so happy. She's pouty and disinterested in him coming back, despite the fact that he saves her from a gruesome death from falling luggage. She is far more interested in the power outage that occurred before he showed up. Superman (aka Clark Kent who also miraculously comes back around the same time and no one notices) is disappointed that Lois is not that interested in him anymore, so he stalks her and her asthmatic son, who may or may not be his. It's weird. The movie keeps hinting at the possibility that the kid is Superman's and isn't willing to confirm or deny it. Even Lois doesn't seem sure about it—which says a lot about her and about how memorable Superman must have been in bed.

When Superman isn't stalking the Lanes, he reminiscing about his origin story and saving people from random disasters, which comes across as the filmmakers wanting to remake the original Superman with 2006 special effects. It feels wholly unnecessary in a film that acts like a sequel. Since it's using the John Williams score, the title sequence is the same as the old Reeve films and even clips of Marlon Brando, this is definitely a sequel to the first film or two. Yet, there are numerous moments that show us the capabilities of Superman like we're supposed to be meeting him for the first time. Thanks for showing us how Superman stops natural disasters, or how he learned how to run really fast and fly with your new fancy CGI Superman who looks like a rubber action figure most of the time! Like we haven't seen that shit before! This all makes for redundant, boring fluff to take up screen time between the not-romance happening with him and Lois, the mystery of the power outage (which isn't a mystery because we know who did it), and the plot involving crystals and Lex Luthor, who is doing....something.

Luthor's plan, meanwhile, isn't explained till the end in typical comic book exposition. When he does explain it, you'll wonder why it took so long to accomplish it. The events of Luthor's plot should have only taken 20 minutes to do, but it's stretched out over the course of the whole film.

The power outage that caused the plane crash, which we know was caused by Luthor, is the subject of much discussion among the characters and becomes a mystery for them to solve. It's not much fun for the viewers when they know who caused the outage, how they did it, and why they did it when the protagonists who are trying the solve the riddle do not. That doesn't stop Superman Returns from using it as the boring thread to tie the protagonists to the antagonists, though. When their paths finally cross, an unsatisfying climax occurs and Jesus metaphors are thrown all over the screen. The movie then suffers the Peter Jackson sickness and takes forever to finally end.

TL;DR (Conclusion)

Superman Returns is long and feels like it. There are numerous scenes that are unnecessary, or simply there for the sake of making a trailer for the movie. The comedy of the film is more successful than its predecessors, but certainly nothing worth applauding. The movie's plots are dull, simple, and slow, without any big payoff to it. The main saving grace of the film is Kevin Spacey providing a Lex Luthor who is diabolical and playful without being Joker-esk insane. His big plan is akin to that of the original Superman film, so it fits with that character a bit, but it also is just as overly simplistic as a result. Yet, as good as Spacey is, he's not enough to carry the film.

Fluff. That's all this movie is. Nothing of real significance or interest occurs. It just feels like a season finale of a Superman show with the irrelevant plotlines that aren't interesting, the romance of certain long-running characters finally fades, and the climax that should have happened a long time ago finally occurs. The first two Superman films were boring but didn't feel quite so pointless—except when he became Cher and turned back time.