Originally published October 2015

Everybody loves Greek mythology! Well... of all the mythological legends and stories that I studied in school, Greek and Egyptian mythology were the ones that I recall being the most popular among my classmates; Norse mythology was too difficult to pronounce half of the time. There are countless different Greek myths that people know, and I had a dozen different books with children's versions of the Greek myths growing up. Some may know the Odyssey front to back. Some may know all the stories about the various Titans. Some may know all about Zeus' conjugal visits with the women of the mortal world. But of all the legends, Hercules is probably the most well-known--even though the Greek spelling is Heracles and people actually know the Roman name more. You may not know every single trial he conquered, but you know a lion and a hydra are involved somewhere.

It's surprising then that for the 2014 movie, in the age of CGI, they decided not to do some epic depiction of his trials. Instead, we were served a "realistic spin" on the legend. Oh wait, the movie is directed by Brett Ratner and he does whatever he wants regardless of the source material-- if you don't know who Ratner is, in a nutshell, he is pretty much the Kanye West of film directing with a lot of misogyny thrown in there to spice it up and probably 1/4 the success. I'm sure he thought he was very clever when he made Hercules, and I think it did well enough at the box office. The problem with his design is that no one really wanted to see this movie, they just didn't realize it until they were watching it.

The people who made the trailer for it knew it, though. They used all the footage they shot about the 12 trials from the legend to sell the movie. Little did the public know that all the trial footage they used was from the first 3 minutes of the film. All of it. ALL OF IT.

I'm not sure if the other Hercules movie that came out around the same time focused more on the trials, but I know that this one got more attention and likely a bigger budget, so it's disappointing they decided to go the direction they did.

Pros

• Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) is a good casting choice to play Hercules.

• The stuff from the trials is pretty cool looking, even if the CGI looks bad.

• There are some decent actors who, while phoning it in a little bit, still give this movie more merit than it deserves.

• The very beginning and closing credits are the most interesting parts of the movie.

Cons

• The CGI is el terriblé!

• The story is filled with archetypes and clichés and is very bland/predictable, considering they wanted to do a "new" take on the legend.

• You've seen this movie before, many times.

• The action sequences are kind of boring.

• Little moments to try to make things edgy come across as stupid and cheesy.

• Movie can't make up its mind on whether it wants to be realistic or fantasy.

Plot & Thoughts

The whole point of this film is to do the "real story," or the "untold story" of Hercules that no one asked for. It would be okay to do this story if the actual legend was boring or lackluster in some way, except it's not. There's a reason so many people know the Hercules tale. There are certain trials that don't stand out as much as the lion or hydra, like the horses that eat people, but there is a lot of material to work with. You don't even need to do much writing for it; it could just be a CGI-heavy silent film and it would still be interesting to see another take on the Hercules legend. Disney did their version, which took many liberties but still managed to make it interesting and about the Hercules legend that we know. If they insisted on scrapping the original story in every way, why not market it as such? They could have just presented the film as it actually was and informed the public that this was the 13th step in his 12-step program that no one knew about. I ask why, even though I know the answer.

What makes this new story even more insulting is that, as I mentioned, the footage for the trials is only in the first few minutes of the movie as montage material to characterize Hercules as a hero of unspeakable power. Then it does its best to downplay his legend by saying that he's not a demigod, but in fact, these trials have been exaggerated and Hercules is actually just a mercenary with a bunch of accomplices, including his nephew who goes around spreading these false tales to help make him more imposing in a fight. Yet, there is a certain character that continues to prove the existence of something supernatural. There is even an event at the end that proves Hercules' strength wholly unrealistic. It's like they couldn't decide whether they wanted to downplay it or keep it mythical. All this is rather disappointing and confusing. I'm sure that people were quite surprised/upset that this was what they were in for. I knew about this bait & switch ahead of time, and I honestly would have been fine with it, so long as the story they told here was any good.

You might be saying: "So what is the story? (also get the point)." Hercules (Dwayne Johnson) and his gang find themselves in the city of Thebes where they are hired by the princess, on behalf of the king (John Hurt), to defend the land from a barbarian army led by a mystical warrior named Rhesus Pieces. Rhesus is apparently a centaur, maybe.

Then stuff happens. I don't need to tell you what happens, because I doubt you'll be invested much at all in anyone's issues or desires, and I bet you'll quickly realize that you've seen this movie before. Here's the blueprint for the whole movie:

1. Opening CGI montage and fight scene to characterize Hercules and his band of mercs

2. Proposition for help and consideration of proposition till inevitable acceptance of a proposal

3. Early movie training and skirmishes to show the heroes are not ready

4. Training montage

5. Later movie skirmishes to show the heroes have grown

6. Twist (no surprise)

7. Climax

There you go. That's the movie in a nutshell. The only deviation from the generic mythological action movie formula is that there are two skirmishes instead of just one. It's all boring, bland, lazy writing held together by solid actors giving sub-par performances, which is still good enough to make it a watchable film.

Conclusion

In its effort to do a new take on the legend, they in fact did nothing new. Even the climax is filled with the same crap you see in so many other action movies. Aside from the good actors keeping my attention and the occasional joke or action sequence that was well done, the movie is entirely forgettable. Considering that I've heard this is the good Hercules movie that came out in the past year, I'm concerned/intrigued about how bad the other one is.